Saturday, January 20, 2018

Think about that

I often wonder when I see all those pissed off, and burnt off people around me while travelling or at work or in the neighborhood, even when I go to the mountains and share a place with them, who wear a mask, but wouldn't admit there's something centrally wrong in their lives, and they take over what they see and hear from above, and then try to put their misery on those around them, but never say no to those above them.

It's like the church decided for milennia what you should do and not, and even today in the Almighty's name some try to tell you what is wrong and good, and surely convince you to follow their advice, and that you do so or not, you'll face the consequences for an eternity.

I also wonder what's wrong with the idea of 'live for the moment' and 'live and let live' when they actually let you focus on what you're doing, and be fully aware of it, and yourself and others, and also understand and respect that if you prefer free will and would love to live free, then you also give this chance to others.

This can be then related to all areas of life from so-called ethical questions to work-related or economic/al if you please to social/sociological and many others... But overanalizing simple things and questions that could easily be understood and solved by using common sense, always and only shows that those who gained power either economically or socially (usually both as these two are strictly connected), they still need self-justification which again shows they are only human...

Think about that.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

a sole experience

The ducks and the seagulls and the crows
And their cry on the rocks that echoes
Even the helicopter that would hover
All the way above my head all over
They all tell me about leaving
Something I've been lately thinking

I've never felt home wherever I sat down
Yet I was whole when alone I left town
Only then I don't feel out of place
I'm an outcast of the whole human race

And I don't feel like a prostitute at all
Just because I can love everyone and all
It only means I connect soul to soul
By which I mean definitely no foul

I was you for a day

I tried to be nice and
With occasional hiccups
I managed to stay sane
Keep the feelings away

Looking at the facts
Might not always help
But they are clear and
Can keep you intact

What has come over me
I am at such unease
What is that bothers me
Can you tell me please

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Chance meeting witb the grey cat

I gently stroke your fur
And you didn't even purr
You gave me your head
And I also stroke that

We parted with no word
Nothing that I heard
I looked back a few times
But you didn't wave goodbye

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Have I stared too long

Have you ever had that feeling that you've been looking at someone so long that in the end you couldn't tell who it was? I mean you fell for someone and you saw him in everyone. It could be only because you kept it like that, never told him, and maybe you were hoping to find him in someone else.

But it lasted so long that you were finally not sure if it was him you found or someone else from before whom he resembled. And then it didn't matter anymore for life goes on anyway, and as long as you're alive you're looking for the meaning of it all.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

all things must pass

There came a funny wind today and the sky looked like as if seen through fish eye. All the clouds scattered like fluffs in a circle with the focus on the sun sitting on the other edge opposite me.

Someone died today, someone who wasn'nt born yet. And a part of me died too, like with all the dreams that vanish before they become reality.

So I'm sitting out here again, by the river and thinking I might not take a picture anymore. There's been just too much that happened lately, and there are things that can only be described by words. And the rest you can see anyhow, if you have the eyes for it.

Friday, October 6, 2017

haunted

I am really not sure if I still feel something for this guy at work whom I fell for about a year ago. But it is somewhat suspicious that even when I woke up in the middle of the night I was thinking about him right away and then again before I fell asleep.

Was it so only because I saw him several times during the day which is usually not the case. Did it stir up memories or is it more than that?

In any case, I remember I felt something like this last year, and reacted the same way. Tried to grab the feeling, but instead the feeling took a long, strong hold of me. And I don't want to feel so vulnerable again.

I still don't know if I gave up before I started to get closer to him, because I was afraid that I could get hurt. Or simply because I took it for granted what I heard of him, that he was not interested in men.

Shall I find it out this time? Is it actually a new chance or has it been there all the way?

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Tic tac you

There was a cross drawn next to the moon
this morning as I looked up on the sky
And a new line was appearing soon
paralel to the one that a plane left by

My hair is always a complete mess
never so neat and well organized
It shows how I feel nevertheless
since I do not take those two-hour flights

Sunday, February 12, 2017

deceitful

under a blinding sun that has no power
enormous ice slabs tear up each other
above mallards point their arrow to the north
along a wind beyond cold that's freezing no more

under your spell I was blind and had no power
my heart turned to ice, tear it up if you bother
I turned wild, couldn't turn back nor forth
a long winter ahead, a feeling ultimately wrong

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

the turmoil (bit right, then it's dark)

There's been a lot of changes lately. Lost some colleagues, lost some heart. All too sudden, all too much. And I'm still trying to catch up. On the inside, with what's going on on the outside.

Sometimes I wonder if I was the Minotaur in that old dream I mentioned here in my very first log. If my inner bad - not just my fears, but what becomes of me when I let it effect me - is that monster coming up the stairs in this re-ocurring dream I wrote about recently.

I'm still trying to make sense of this world that so often seems senseless.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Uncle Pista is right

He steps out from his worn-down little block that dates back a century or two. And with the same effort he adds a bit of his cig smoke to the urban air you wouldn't call clear anyhow. Along with him runs out his little poodle and lets out a little puddle right there on the sidewalk. As they cross the road the pet pumps out some dump, too.

Another elderly gentleman is riding his bicycle against me, but he steers away before we'd collide. I hear foreigners talking as I pass a doorway to what I guess is a kindergarten or a school. What strikes me is that their language sounds Arabic while this part of the city is right by the Jewish quarter. As a matter of fact we don't have that many Arabs here in Hungary... Anyhow I don't want to be rude, so decide not to turn and stare.

On my way further down on this long long street I see an old woman barely able to cross the little distance from the other side and relieved she enters the drugstore. Probably right from the doctor.

I'm turning out on the avenue. The little kiosk where there used to be a flower shop not so long ago, stands there empty with its windows smashed in. They turned the big clothing department on the corner into yet another pub. What we've been witnessing on the outskirts for a few years, has now started to happen here, too,

This half an hour walk makes me understand how much I'm still longing back to where once we lived for a short while, and what seems to disintegrate and turn into something else. Like everything else. Anywhere else.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

good bye old stuff

Never felt this tired, end of year or not. I am losing my way in the streets, and I am forgetting things by the minute. All I want is to let it go. All the things that are holding me back. And sometimes I manage, but then I catch myself coming back to where I left it at.

I hope I'll be able to help myself to get better by the time I can stretch and bend my arm again, and lost the rest of my kidney stone, not only physically, but in my soul. It's overdue to make a good thorough cleanup in there, so that I can be free again, and find my own way.

Good luck with that, I really need it, and happy new year, I mean happy, not just saying it.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Lights out

All the countless lights that shimmer 
In the pitch dark of this wee hour
All the endless nights hither tither 
Lit by this spark, you set me on fire

Like those lights shine far and glitter
I can't stop burning with the little
You gave me when I needed it most
So it doesn't matter how much it'll cost

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Push and pull

Over and over countless times and even more
I imagine I tell you how I feel for you
I love you, I need you, you're the one I adore
Asked the cards, asked my friends, what I'm supposed to do

I heard different opinions, learned much about you
Yet here I am yearning after two months or so
Searching a way to say it when it's only us two
But I'm freaking out all the time when you come close

I'm mesmerized by your eyes, I can't hold your gaze
I can hardly speak when I hear your voice again
I was hoping that this was but only a phase
Now I know I was wrong but I'm tired of the game