This is the trip, and this is the business we take

I color my eyes with evil night thoughts
and bad doubts to which I can't say no
They slowly wash away my common sense
like waves would swallow the grainy sand

All those what if's and the way it could've been
I beg them to leave, but they won't set me free
Please, do me a favor, save me from myself
if it's really me, and not someone else

'And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart...'

My father who is Jewish could only escape from the death camp in the last minute because the Nazi retreated when the Soviet army got closer. My mother's father along with his family was saved from the execution by extreme right wings because on that morning when it was due, the Soviet troops have arrived to his little village. His only sin was taking the idea of communism literally and trying to help everyone when he didn't have enough to give to his own family. Some people thanked him by turning him in for the dictatorship's slaves.

So I never believed in any of that crap stuff about the change of the system, as it only served the better of a few who were already rich as hell, no matter what country they were from, or whatever they called themselves. I believe in honesty, and I can see with bitterness that most people prefer to live their lives lying to themselves and everyone else around them. It might be a consequence of being brought up by folks who behave the same way, I don't know about that, fortunately.

What I don't see why it's always better to torture each other, and cause pain directly or indirectly. Sometimes it gets en gros, and then malevolence knows no limits, and needs no reasons. I wonder what's behind that uncontrolled hatred that makes mankind turn into their very own slaughterer. And it's not only a phenomenon of this past century, but has been there all throughout history.

for my late cat

small head big head grim face ranger

after many years you were a stranger

striking cologne you didn't wear

nor a handful of grease for your hair

you washed it all clean and shiny

and when you ran it was blown by the air

you were a free spirit between the walls

and left behind someone who recalls

the shockusanimohl

I'll die during a job interview with a rather convincing smile on my face, and then for eternity will read refusive emails saying "While we were impressed by your skills and experience we did not feel that your application was best suited to the role currently on offer."