born again

Funny how one can look forward to changes like moving to another country, and trying to start another life there. You don't even know a thing, and yet you can nurture so many half-thoughts, hopes and wishes. Wonder about the new streets you'll walk, the people you'll meet, the language, the daily life and all the little details. Awaiting to see the sun when you wake up and suddenly realize that you're thousand of miles away from where you used to live for long long years.
Somehow it's like being pregnant and planning everything for your baby, for Little You, who is yet a totally different person with an own view on life. And you'll become only more and more different to each other as the years go by. Yet in a miraculous way you'll always stay part of each other. You never stop seeing your hopes and dreams in that person or in that place.

my name - my life

My Mom named me Attila and I inherited János from my Dad's father. As in a "good" patriarchal family or society rather, János became my first name, while Attila the middle one. So I wouldn't really listen to Attila at all. Still I am using it now and then, for instance on official documents. I also like to use it because it makes me feel like this way I respect my Mom who always cared about me. While my Dad never gave a damn about me. Though his father died in a Nazi hard labor camp, so János reminds me not only about him but everything there is to remember. When I was young I often thought about using Attila instead if I'd move somewehere else to make it more like a completely new life. But I have grown very much to my first name during all these years. More than that I got to like it, just like my personality and all that comes with it.