The wee hours

The sharp night lights now not so luminescent
even the close ones seem to be dull, distant,
The halo 'round the moon blurs them reminescent
of the world that lost its meaning in an instant.

This magic hour at dawn when all seems possible
space and time dissolve, yet they are visible,
For they are reborn each day in your mind
as you search for them, and yourself you find.

There's hope

I go a little crazy every single day,
while the world's still hazy, and idly turns away
Don't believe a word to them who always say,
life is just a game, and you should also play

Instead bend your mind, and see the truth again,
this is the only chance, it's all to lose or gain
We're not so different, in truth we're all the same,
so give the others a chance, to be just as sane

(inspired by today's song of the BowieAudio Band)

Think about that

I often wonder when I see all those pissed off, and burnt out people around me - while traveling or at work or in the neighborhood, and even when I go to the mountains and share a place with them - who wear a mask, but wouldn't admit there's something centrally wrong in their lives. And they take over what they see and hear from above, and then try to put their misery on those around them, but never say no to those above them.

It's like the church decided for milennia what you should do and not. And even today in the Almighty's name some try to tell you what is wrong and what's good, and convince you to follow their advice, as either you do so or not, you'll surely face the consequences for an eternity.

I also wonder what's wrong with the idea of 'live for the moment' and 'live and let live' which actually means that everyone lets the others focus on what they're doing. And thus to be able to be fully aware of it, and yourself and others. And also understand and respect that if you prefer free will and would love to live free, then you also give this chance to others.

This can be then related to all areas of life from so-called ethical questions to work-related or economic/al, if you please, to social/sociological ones and many others... But overanalizing simple things and questions that could easily be understood and solved by using common sense, always and only shows that those who gained power either economically or socially (usually both as these two are strictly connected), they still need self-justification, which in turn shows they are only human...

Think about that.

a sole experience

The ducks and the seagulls and the crows
And their cry on the rocks that echoes
Even the helicopter that would hover
All the way above my head all over
They all tell me about leaving
Something I've been lately thinking

I've never felt home wherever I sat down
Yet I was whole when alone I left town
Only then I don't feel out of place
I'm an outcast of the whole human race

And I don't feel like a prostitute at all
Just because I can love everyone and all
It only means I connect soul to soul
By which I mean definitely no foul

I was you for a day

I tried to be nice and
With occasional hiccups
I managed to stay sane
Keep the feelings away

Looking at the facts
Might not always help
But they are clear and
Can keep you intact

What has come over me
I am at such unease
What is that bothers me
Can you tell me please

Chance meeting witb the grey cat

I gently stroke your fur
And you didn't even purr
You gave me your head
And I also stroke that

We parted with no word
Nothing that I heard
I looked back a few times
But you didn't wave goodbye

Have I stared too long

Have you ever had that feeling that you've been looking at someone so long that in the end you couldn't tell who it was? I mean you fell for someone and you saw him in everyone. It could be only because you kept it like that, never told him, and maybe you were hoping to find him in someone else.

But it lasted so long that you were finally not sure if it was him you found or someone else from before whom he resembled. And then it didn't matter anymore for life goes on anyway, and as long as you're alive you're looking for the meaning of it all.

all things must pass

There came a funny wind today and the sky looked like as if seen through fish eye. All the clouds scattered like fluffs in a circle with the focus on the sun sitting on the other edge opposite me.

Someone died today, someone who wasn'nt born yet. And a part of me died too, like with all the dreams that vanish before they become reality.

So I'm sitting out here again, by the river and thinking I might not take a picture anymore. There's been just too much that happened lately, and there are things that can only be described by words. And the rest you can see anyhow, if you have the eyes for it.

haunted

I am really not sure if I still feel something for this guy at work whom I fell for about a year ago. But it is somewhat suspicious that even when I woke up in the middle of the night I was thinking about him right away and then again before I fell asleep.

Was it so only because I saw him several times during the day which is usually not the case. Did it stir up memories or is it more than that?

In any case, I remember I felt something like this last year, and reacted the same way. Tried to grab the feeling, but instead the feeling took a long, strong hold of me. And I don't want to feel so vulnerable again.

I still don't know if I gave up before I started to get closer to him, because I was afraid that I could get hurt. Or simply because I took it for granted what I heard of him, that he was not interested in men.

Shall I find it out this time? Is it actually a new chance or has it been there all the way?

Tic tac you

There was a cross drawn next to the moon
this morning as I looked up on the sky
And a new line was appearing soon
paralel to the one that a plane left by

My hair is always a complete mess
never so neat and well organized
It shows how I feel nevertheless
since I do not take those two-hour flights

...and I think it's gonna be a long long time

I´m Waiting For The Man

Missionary Man

Watch That Man

Demolition Man

Taste In Men

Rocket Man

deceitful

under a blinding sun that has no power
enormous ice slabs tear up each other
above mallards point their arrow to the north
along a wind beyond cold that's freezing no more

under your spell I was blind and had no power
my heart turned to ice, tear it up if you bother
I turned wild, couldn't turn back nor forth
a long winter ahead, a feeling ultimately wrong

the turmoil (bit right, then it's dark)

There's been a lot of changes lately. Lost some colleagues, lost some heart. All too sudden, all too much. And I'm still trying to catch up. On the inside, with what's going on on the outside.

Sometimes I wonder if I was the Minotaur in that old dream I mentioned here in my very first log. If my inner bad - not just my fears, but what becomes of me when I let it effect me - is that monster coming up the stairs in this re-ocurring dream I wrote about recently.

I'm still trying to make sense of this world that so often seems senseless.

Uncle Pista is right

He steps out from his worn-down little block that dates back a century or two. And with the same effort he adds a bit of his cig smoke to the urban air you wouldn't call clear anyhow. Along with him runs out his little poodle and lets out a little puddle right there on the sidewalk. As they cross the road the pet pumps out some dump, too.

Another elderly gentleman is riding his bicycle against me, but he steers away before we'd collide. I hear foreigners talking as I pass a doorway to what I guess is a kindergarten or a school. What strikes me is that their language sounds Arabic while this part of the city is right by the Jewish quarter. As a matter of fact we don't have that many Arabs here in Hungary... Anyhow I don't want to be rude, so decide not to turn and stare.

On my way further down on this long long street I see an old woman barely able to cross the little distance from the other side and relieved she enters the drugstore. Probably right from the doctor.

I'm turning out on the avenue. The little kiosk where there used to be a flower shop not so long ago, stands there empty with its windows smashed in. They turned the big clothing department on the corner into yet another pub. What we've been witnessing on the outskirts for a few years, has now started to happen here, too,

This half an hour walk makes me understand how much I'm still longing back to where once we lived for a short while, and what seems to disintegrate and turn into something else. Like everything else. Anywhere else.

good bye old stuff

Never felt this tired, end of year or not. I am losing my way in the streets, and I am forgetting things by the minute. All I want is to let it go. All the things that are holding me back. And sometimes I manage, but then I catch myself coming back to where I left it at.

I hope I'll be able to help myself to get better by the time I can stretch and bend my arm again, and lost the rest of my kidney stone, not only physically, but in my soul. It's overdue to make a good thorough cleanup in there, so that I can be free again, and find my own way.

Good luck with that, I really need it, and happy new year, I mean happy, not just saying it.

Lights out

All the countless lights that shimmer 

In the pitch dark of this wee hour

All the endless nights hither tither 

Lit by this spark, you set me on fire

Like those lights shine far and glitter

I can't stop burning with the little

You gave me when I needed it most

So it doesn't matter how much it'll cost

Push and pull

Over and over countless times and even more
I imagine I tell you how I feel for you
I love you, I need you, you're the one I adore
Asked the cards, asked my friends, what I'm supposed to do

I heard different opinions, learned much about you
Yet here I am yearning after two months or so
Searching a way to say it when it's only us two
But I'm freaking out all the time when you come close

I'm mesmerized by your eyes, I can't hold your gaze
I can hardly speak when I hear your voice again
I was hoping that this was but only a phase
Now I know I was wrong but I'm tired of the game

Cleanup time

I'm emptying the drum of the washing machine
the way I try to wash my drumming heart clean
Some socks come out with their matching pair
like I wish I could find my other half fair
But like PC's alarm of issues beyond repair
my soulmate I long for is out there to remain

a question of relativity

The plastic bag all used up and worn out
crawled closer precariously, sighing oh so tired,
Or was it the light wind that caught it up
and kept it go low while I was tricked by my mind

Moved by others or myself I feel like you plastic bag
used and abused I take a step forth then back,
Left on your own devices is not always that bad
when all those you search and find seems sheer mad

safety comes first

In this world we always seek safety. That means we don't feel safe. No wonder. If you have eyes and a clear mind, then you understand it's not safe at all. But the most difficult part is to accept that. So we create a creator. Even the biggest scientists, and especially them who go to the core of it all, give in in the end, and start to feel there must be a power behind it all.

And yes, power there is, plenty of it, and we like to feel it, and use it. Hence comes the misunderstanding, we tend to mix power and authority with safety. Some play roles all their lives. Choose someone you feel safe with. Make someone believe they're safe with you. Work for someone because you think it's safe, until you find out it's not. Some people like, or maybe make themselves believe that they like, to do dangerous things. Others do things against the law, some of them only to show that they can.

For instance, I personally like, to curse, also aloud and in public, because I believe it's a totally stupid taboo, and also for me it works as a fantastic stress reliever. I also love to turn to sex for the same reasons. And as I am gay, I think most would look upon sex then as an even bigger taboo. Their choice, but if all would focus on how many lives are, and have been destroyed by taboos, and abuse, even legally, officially, then people would understand what we actually all know. Restrictions will make even a child want to do whatever it applies to. And no, now I'm not saying legalize murder.

What I'm trying to say is if we would try to understand and accept each other as we are, and do the same with the world instead of over-analyzing and explaining without asking those concerned, the world could be a much better place. Then we could be much closer to reality, and to be able to accept it, thus feel safer.

Only if we could simply live and let others live, instead of being violent in a sofisticated or other way, or by setting up unwritten laws to make life a living hell for those who don't want to "go with the flow". It would make it so much easier for us all to be our real selves, instead of trying to be someone else than we are for someone else who wants us to be like that, in a made up world based on made up values.

Maybe then there would be a chance that we could live in a safe world. A world that we've been trying to change with false feelings and lies to ourselves and others, so long that we'd almost completely forgotten how it was really like.