Sunday, September 19, 2010

Norwegian Wood

It wasn't the best night before it all happened. Mom got very sick by dinner time, and we couldn't decide what might have caused it, or what would be best to do. It was just the more ironic since the same day she'd been to a so-called prevention day attending different kind of health checks, X-rays and so on. The results were not too good either, but didn't refer to any issue with her digestion that seemed to cause her a very hard time later on. However she could go to sleep in the end, and maybe my strange dream was caused by not only reading on in a Norwegian book, but also focusing on it enough to kind of living it while getting on with it.



In my dream I don't remember to have realized it that I was actually dreaming. Maybe that's a good sign. But then when I needed to think a little bit while explaining what happened in Norwegian, then I woke up... Uncertainty? Ikke nok selvtillit? Anyhow, we were traveling by bus in huge snow, when it had to stop while going up on a bridge. We were still above land with roofs below us when we got off, trying to find out how to get to work the soonest from there. All of a sudden we were sliding down the roofs, at the same time trying not to fall off. Then after a few quite impressive movements we were in amongst small wooden houses closing in on a little yard. So we stepped into what looked like a little shed and turned out to be a workshop.



There, and I think only there I've realized that we were in Norway, and so after a few moments thinking, started to explain to the men there what had happened. Funny to remember now that I introduced myself, and said we came from Hungary. Does this reveal more than just me thinking about new interviews where they might test my language skills? I do think so. No matter what happened we've survived and succeeded to get as far as asking for help and guidance. Also I could speak on our behalves with the locals in a foreign land. I take it as a sign for growing self-confidence when speaking Norwegian, and maybe in my job seeking, too.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

a liveable life is a pretense

Been a while now since I had that brainstorm right before I could fall asleep. Then it all came to me so clear to the smallest details, all my feelings and reasons. By now most of it got lost, only had a few thoughts jot down the next morning. It was about why I have started this blog, what was it I've been trying to express here. Since then I was very lucky to get in touch after long long years with friends who helped me a lot to talk about it, well about myself.

The blog itself changed, too. Not so dark, the header photo less horrible; hopefully reflecting my own feelings. I have also chosen a different title to it. Originally it bore a Ray Bradbury short story's. A time travel, but also a travel into the human soul, with its hopes and fears. What would you change if you had the chance. Specially if you could see the consequences beforehand. Not to mention, would that make it any better. I like a lot this kind of sci-fi; more like a study on us mankind and an opinion on our societies and achievements.

The site name resembled my job, referring to the many years dealing with computers at a multinational company; Man Eating Machine. At the same time it was a tribute to the Grace Jones song Corporate Cannibal she made with Brian Eno. A bow to both of them, as well as to their way of talking about the topic. It says it all about commercialism, empty lies and lives coming true through them. Inequalities in artificially created and regulated social systems lacking any sign of updating its views according to changes in it.
Whereas in technical self-developing systems the creators and rulers rely on the laws of nature. However the laws of economics and jurisdiction seem to be so far from that successful self-balancing world. Actually the law cannot help the one who needs it most. Eno put it as 'Culture is everything we don't have to do' but then we don't have to live like this either.We could act by nature not only in biotechnology, or the arts, but in the everyday life, even if it sounds idealistic.

I worked for 3 years at an IT service desk, most of all because it pays reasonable. It was not my dream job; answering 40-50 calls a day, documenting everything, while also trying to fix the issue within the shortest time. I don't think I'm a robot, but this job got me close to turn into one. One of the most frightening things was not the job though, but the feedback. Once a customer said 'hallo?!' after I introduced myself, following the official script, for the manieth time that day. So I asked if she could hear me at all - she thought I was an answering machine. I'm looking for something more human; a job where I can help people more directly, and go less into technical details. Of course, that's not easier at all, but very different.

Now my blog and me the writer are called the same name; heathen. It refers to what I'm thinking about most these days even if only subconsciously. All my searches and trials to live a life that makes me feel real. Something that reaches beyond a job to earn a living, things that have to be done a daily base. Also a solution and a help to prevent more mistakes. Instead a guidance I can trust because I believe it's coming from love and care.