Monday, October 31, 2016

a day for the devil

the birds, the baby, scream away
i'm awake, and he's away
night turns into another day

considering all that weight
comtemplate, eliminate
without a grasp on it

it's dull outside, and dull in here
and all that you can hear
is desparation within
why haven't i told him

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I think love

... if it ever was, is over now. It doesn't make sense, but it never did, did it? But I'm lying, first of all, to myself, because it seems absolutely hopeless, and because I don't want it to be over. The feeling, not the failure. That one's hard to accept. And therefore I want it to be over.

But I can't pretend, and I can't do so, especially to myself. I'm still checking on him, like when he's at his place. And if I can hear his voice from the kitchen, I can hardly hold myself back from running out there just to see him.

Instead I'm trying to focus on work, joking the empty moments away with my colleagues, be a part of reality. And it goes alright, though they can notice it on me that I'm very tired, and I'm not the same as I used to be.

It's because there's a terrible void inside me, opened up by something that could only be filled with the same thing. But it does not happen, and will it ever now?

I had to use an excuse, any kind, to distance myself from him. Sociopath sounded interesting mostly because it very much matched his personality, as much as I know of him from experience. The stary, hypnotizing eyes often with no emotions in them, and some strange stuff he did. Also the initial overwhelming kindness and attention, the kind gestures, and then a sudden loss of interest as I was shying away.

Maybe he is a sociopath, and maybe he's not. It doesn't matter because that's not the problem. It's that I can't accept the fact, had he also been interested, he would've quite certainly given a sign by now. I've invited him by being so endlessly lonely, I believe. I was a very easy target. But what can he do with all this, if he's not into me? Play around, I guess.  Does this mean I'm too proud to take a rejection for no real offer?

Instead of being humble and realistic by myself, do I really want to be humiliated by him so that I could finally wake up? I still wonder if it would help at all. Or would I dream on, and how long. I hope I'll soon look back on this, and laugh. Sounds all so pitiful.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

love is a virus

It started exactly the same way, accidently. He happpened to get into the same elevator, was listening to me, and helped me to calm down. Then a few weeks passed before we met again. He seemed happy when he came over to shake hands, smiling. Just like the virus takes its time to prepare, and then it takes you.

All that followed seemed like getting sicker with love every time we saw each other. Coincidentally we met more and more often, and he used all the chances to get close to me. Once he even sneaked behind me in the rest room while I was drying my hands. And I noticed him standing there silently, staring at me.

But then I don't know how I affected him with my getting shyer all the time. In the end I could hardly look at him when our ways crossed, and only mumbled a hello that was more like a sigh. Then one day we ran into each other, and I heard him saying to his buddy 'Oh no, not again! Will it go on forever like this? I can't take it anymore! If someone wants something they should just fire away!'

This story doesn't have an end, nor any conclusions. It is fully based on real life events, and the characters are exactly as described. Morals? I think the problem is that we are full of them.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

The dreamlife of angels

This, now, and only now, that I hope to feel that way, at least sometimes, it came to me as a revelation. Both girls were in love, in their own way.

One, unprepared, and so completely vulnerable, and at the same time wild and unpredictable like life itself.
The other gently, receiving and sharing with the one who is ready, never regretting, and so never sad. Again, like life itself.

At times, like now, I become inexplicably selfish and silly, and I only want to share with one in particular. Yes, just like life can be sometimes.

Friday, October 14, 2016

if you...

are suddenly not sure if it's 2016 or 2017, or if you've already seen that movie or it just has a very similar ending to another one you'd seen before... it's completely okay 'cause it doesn't mean anything.



Sunday, October 9, 2016

The thread (we're all hanging on)

During this week's forest walks I sometimes saw the ground moving when I got very tired. It made me think of the prophets who saw and heard things people usually don't. Just like oracles, shamans, seers and fortunetellers; those who have the gift of clearvoyance.

Most of them, willingly or by fate, used to retreive into the wilderness or even get lost there, and also exhausted to the extremes. Under such circumstances one sees the so-called reality in a different way. And again, what's reality? It's based on an agreement of the majority who perceive it in the way that determines the word itself.

But these "outsiders" who often get paid by food, and only live with it when they're really in need of it - right because their way of life and interests lay outside of that of the majority - they also see the world from another point of view, for the very same reason.

The same way, if you hold yourself out of the influence of propaganda or media - and here I don't mean the news or the agenda of a political party or that of a commercial company, but in general, others' opinion - and you only focus on what's really important, like life and death that concerns all, then you can see the rest of it as meaningless tiny details. Then you can see everything on a broader horizon, and with a mind free of the daily miseries.

The ancients called them the Gracious Ones, they who'd spin and weave, and ultimately cut the thread of life. I was often thinking about them on my forest walks, though I can only see it now, as it all happened in the back of my mind, while I was wandering around and wondering at the beauty of this world.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

The switch (acceptance)

You have to turn it on or off, depending on what you want. I guess that's why I love how Norwegian expresses it 'slå på eller av' that is 'hit it on or off'. Because it might actually feel like you hit it hard and so it might hurt. But there's no-one else who can do it for you. And that's the reason why; it's you, and so it's your and only your choice. Hence the misunderstanding; it's your life.

Think about it. You're a part of all this that you can see and sometimes can only feel around you. It's all that there it is, and you are just as much as everyone else, and everything else is, a part of it. No exceptions. Once you can accept this, you also are, and really, truely are a part of it. Until then, you're like a switch in off position; you want to hold back something that has never been yours, or you don't want to take something that will never be yours, just for the chance to experience it.

There are no such things as bad and good stuff. Things we can physically see or touch - nice or ugly, round and smooth or edgy that leave marks on us - are like those that happen; they might feel fine or they might hurt. But they're all part of the whole, like everyone of us, whoever has been here and will be here. As time is also only a part of it all, just like space.

We can choose to hurt and worry, but then we can't blame it on the circumstances, as it's us who are doing it, but for ourselves, and no-one else. So, it's our choice and decision to accept everything, and let it go, or keep it.

Just like to believe that keeping things that make us feel good or wealthy or healthy, and so on, would help us. Think about it, they didn't belong to you before, and when you're not here, they won't be yours anymore. So, how you can you believe it for a single moment that you are possessing anything at all? But if you read this, one thing is for sure; you are.