Friday, April 16, 2010

We saw the Minotaur

It is more than funny that I just happened to read this story by Neil Gaiman entitled Closing Times before I'd share this dream of mine about such similar feelings of people at the same age facing the same fear.

I was back at primary school, in the dressing room next the gym hall located at the entrance of the building. There were two of us in there, but I can only remember knowing the person, but no face, name or if it was a real person from my life at all. Only that I was absolutely sure about their trustworthiness.
 And then all of a sudden, this certainty ceased, as summers can when it's still sunny, but the air cools down and the trees, and even the plants inside the room, start to drop their leaves in a manic terror of loosing the life-giving sun. That's how it felt to realize that my mate was not to believe in.

I asked in growing horror if the third of us came out of the gym hall, too, before turning off the lights, and closing the door. As the answer was only a 'thought so' I felt nimble in mind, but lame in limbs to move at all. Now the door was open again, but for our call to the missing one we could only hear a strange noise, resembling of horse-shoes running around there, in the fully dark hall, with an ecstatic speed. That of a tiny insect which gets inside the circle of a lamplight, and is unable to get free of its spell anymore.
And while the moment of waiting passed, I could see an idiotic smile on the other's face turned into the blind blackness, looking at what we were already sure about, was not our forgotten friend.

I gathered my mind and force, and broke out of the place to the open air - though free air brought no free breath. The light outside was very dim, that of an already passed sunset. Also I was completely sure that by leaving the place I lost my fellow.
 To answer my grim guess a Minotaur ran out of the building, and headed toward me. While I could only stand there all numb, fascinated by my own attraction to it. Simply for some crazy way of proving its ability to exist for me. I felt icy creeks running down my back, caused by the shock, as it was all so very very awful and never wished to be seen.

Ever since I used to wonder what would bring such nightmares alive. Only the noise factor like some banging somewhere in the building that woke me, or more. Is it fear, and of what? Is it the other people all the time, or myself?
It is quite a challenge to put these impressions all down, as you face them at the gate to the dreamworld, just when entering it, or maybe on your way back. So I might as well be thankful for my neighbs to wake me up right when I'm about to fall asleep, so often.


Story Sample - Neil Gaiman: The Monarch of the Glen
Silver Screen - Tsuruta Norio: Premonition
Song Selection - Brian Eno: Thursday Afternoon

An imaginary date

Sitting in the sun, with my eyes closed against it
I can hear only sounds, my face blown by cold wind,
And on the other side of my lids, it's you smiling at me
in the sun, in the wind, just as if you were here

The gulls scream as they ride the waves by the riverside
and when a boat comes by, they'd rise and away they fly,
And as I sit watching them, my right shoulder starts to ache
it was me whom you could see, wearing my own age

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Is it any wonder, I reject you first?

today was a day of rejections, at least in the end I decided not to take it so bad to save me from more bad stuff, already having some flue and fever for a few days, and still having to work.
first i received a rejection from a company i have been to for a test which they told me turned out very good and even called me from the recruiter to discuss salary and such details. then today in the email they said they had to say no to me as my skills and experiences in my cv did not match their expectations, as if i did not even attend the test they valuated as very good.

recently i was applying for a course but the organization procedure seems to digest the very thing itself, but maybe i was just too impatient, and had less to do at work today, so was able to check more frequently if i got the answer from the teacher.
actually it is a norwegian course as the teacher with whom i started to learn and got so far, has been planning to move to norway. i contacted her in email like two months back now, but then she went silent more than a month ago. today i decided to call her, maybe to have good news - i was thinking she might have already moved and started a new life there.
on the contrary, when she called me back, she burst into tears when telling me things were not that good. so i got an answer in the end about someone else being rejected...

even my query to have my shift changed in case the course would start had been turned down
i had another desperate try yet, calling an old friend who has been home with a foot that has to heal before she can walk again. however she did not take answer the phone.
i think i have to admit this is not my day - or i'm just going the wrong way


Story Sample - Theodore Sturgeon: Yesterday was Monday
Silver Screen - Roy Andersson: World of Glory
Song Selection - Harmonia & Eno: Sometimes in Autumn

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Yesterday was Monday

So it had/not to come to this point again, and here I go writing a blog again. I don't write it in Norwegian yet, and not in Hungarian either. For both there must be a reason, certainly. Dilemmas most likely, and when you don't solve them, they can grow like thick bush so that they make you feel losing focus, and get lost.

Surely to get here I needed at least these two days in relative peace with a mobile turned off, and only chatting, mailing, talking with friends and family. Then it came to me, after putting down a short story by Neil Gaiman, and trying to have some rest before starting another row of 12-hours night shift.

That means I lost some of it in the slumbering, but it still lives vividly in me as it occured to me in the first moment. I mean the memory that I believed to be the reason to start writing it out of me again. It could have been awaken by another story about another dimension/aspect taking over the one we're living in.

In the story a man discovers that millions of people dying around the world, made the world actually look like the way we see it, and now as they're dying, it's fading out and into something completely different. And only in these few minutes of rest I took, it was that I suddenly remembered a most unearthly experience I had as still a little kid so many years ago.

I was playing with the others in the yard of the kindergarten, running wild, and enjoying to be completely without any responsibilities. The next thing I recall is that I am screaming and crying beyond comfort in the arms of a nanny, yet feeling alien to her, too. I saw everyone around me as aliens, or what I called it then, devils.

Simple as it is, all the people around me - including the nanny holding and trying to comfort me - seemed so strange and unrecognizable to me, beyond any knowledge that would have helped me to express what made me shriek that much. So all I could do was closing my eyes, and keeping them like that. But still when I opened them, I saw the very same, even after several minutes.

That was a long time ago, and of course, during the many years, I learned to tell... Well, maybe not exactly what it was, but what science, and different people might say about it, and how they used to explain it. Sure it still wouldn't leave me alone, but it falls back in that faraway place in the back of my mind, and looks like it's coming back whenever I face changes and decisions.



Story Sample - Clifford D. Simak and Carl Jacobi: The Street That Wasn't There
Silver Screen - Jens Lien: The Bothersome Man
Song Selection - Michael Brook: Midday