my name - my life

My Mom named me Attila and I inherited János from my Dad's father. As in a "good" patriarchal family or society rather, János became my first name, while Attila the middle one. So I wouldn't really listen to Attila at all. Still I am using it now and then, for instance on official documents. I also like to use it because it makes me feel like this way I respect my Mom who always cared about me. While my Dad never gave a damn about me. Though his father died in a Nazi hard labor camp, so János reminds me not only about him but everything there is to remember. When I was young I often thought about using Attila instead if I'd move somewehere else to make it more like a completely new life. But I have grown very much to my first name during all these years. More than that I got to like it, just like my personality and all that comes with it.