on the verge

I recall sitting on the window ledge of our fifth floor flat as a teenager. I dont think I wanted to jump. But I was wondering how it might have felt falling in reality. I guess I was falling emotionally. I didn't feel safe in a long while. So I might have gotten used to that condition not to worry about how it would be if I did jump.

Something that hits me now, after all these years, is that though plenty of people could see me from the five-story block on the opposite side, no-one called the police or the fire department. Anyhow, my Mom came home and asked me what I was doing there, and if I could close the window from the inside, as it was rather cold out there. I'm sure happy it was she who discovered me, and so there was no furhter ado about it.

What this memory makes me wonder about is that it is really the arrival of freedom that creates the vacuum. Because something was certainly pulling me down into the abyss. Was it too hard for me to comprehend independency, was it the fear of it, loneliness or something else? Maybe a wound I didn't yet know how to let bleed in a way so that I can survive it? I lost many of the closest people around me for different reasons by that time. And I'd seen many of them losing others.

It was no war time. Or rather the war was going on inside the society. Just like now. And one thing is for sure - when those people I knew back then decided to lose each other, they didn't do it out of curiosity. Like the many people who leave this country to go abroad and try their luck there, they certainly don't do it out of sheer wonder lust, like our prime minister believes.