the big wheel

I wanted to write this down a couple of weeks ago or so, as it seemed much more important when it hit me than anything else. And definitely more vital than anything else I'm talking about here, for sure. All the little everyday struggles, though I'm trying to capture them as part of something bigger. And so give them more meaning, as I'm still after that. Trying to makes sense of it all. And how all that we create, and all that we are effects us and others in respond.

What I'm talking about is this scene towards the end of Bowie's last video clip. He's sitting at his desk, and scribbling something so desperately as if his life was up to it. And indeed. Or maybe the meaning of it all. Something you can help, at least try and grab. Life you can't. Not any longer than it lasts.

And I wondered whether it is the same force that drives us to do anything that is not necessary, as Eno put it. That is all things we don't need to do to survive. But don't we? I feel like I'd long given up, had I stopped to use my brains. It's killing me anyhow, just to see the way the world we're making goes surely towards a total annihilization of creativity, and personality. Whatever it takes for you to be you, and for me to be this person who's saying all this.

To me it seemed that he, Bowie, was reflecting, maybe for the very last time, on these things. Is it why I write or draw, or put together music mixes - to leave a trace behind me, and thus survive? Forever? Or is it only done for myself? So I can go on with my life as long as it lasts. That is always, while I'm still here. With other words - for ever. So what's the difference once you're gone?